Body positivity is something that I am pretty sure we are born with. As a child I don't remember being insecure about my body. In fact until I started school I was a very confident child. Sure I was shy once in a while but overall I was outgoing, wanting to make new friends everywhere I went. Of course I was a chubby kid but it was never something that held me back. People would comment on how my long and beautiful my hair was, on how bright my eyes where when I smiled. Life was good.
When I hit the age of four things started to take a turn for the worse. I constantly spoke Spanglish and I was having the tiniest bit of trouble learning to read, this was something that only concerned my teacher. But suddenly I was surround by girls and boys who were constantly comparing themselves to each other. It wasn't just who can get to the ice cream truck quicker, it was who was the prettiest. Who looked more like this or that singer. I was never really around kids my age, mostly because my siblings were way older. It began a confusing time, seeing that because of my upbringing I wasn't really exposed to the media all that often. But of course it can't just be the media's fault, as a child everyone compares everything, it is just how we learn and grow. And grow we did.
I entered middle school, at a new place. Unlike my elementary school which had a large population of white students, my middle school was mostly Hispanic and Black. Not something I was used to, but the school had a good program. I got closer to girls who were constantly trying to change their body type to those of a white women. As I said before, we were mostly Hispanic and Black, our bodies are shaped differently, some of their hair was different. We do not have the ability to change ourselves to another race. But we didn't know that then. Play dates were spent lifting up our skirts and shirts, surrounding each other with "helpful" comments about what was wrong with our bodies. How we would change our bodies to be "whiter". I honestly can't remember what that even meant but because that was what was being shown in the media that is what we did. I began to be hyper aware about my weight.
I changed schools, and although I was never physically harmed, I was beginning to be constantly surrounded by negative comments. Girls were getting boyfriends, which is funny because we didn't even understand what that meant at the time. I never tired to get one because I felt that I was an outsider in what I remember calling a "thin world". I would really rather spend my time at recess reading and writing stories with my friends. But as the groups interest changed, we all had to adapt. Clothes and make-up it was.
The doctor told me I needed to start losing weight and that is when the constant pressure from my mother came in. It is still around. She wants the best for me. But sometimes pressure can lead you to a breaking point. My dad also joined the boat. They found all natural pills with vitamins and herbal plants to help me lose weight. It was over nine pills a day. That was when the first string broke in me (all the hugs if you know what I'm referencing). I don't think I have ever cried more than I did that night. Was something really wrong with me?
I'm not going to bore you with more background about how I chose a very dark and unhappy path for myself, it is not something I am completely comfortable and at peace with. Maybe one day I will be and I'll share that if asked. But it was overall an internally negative experience and there is already so much negativity out there that I want to put out a positive message.
I'm not 100% confident with my body. But before I was at a -1000 and now I can say that I'm heading into the 60s. Which is a lot of progress for me and I'm actually very proud of myself. But you don't have to be at 100 to begin to love yourself. No matter what shape, gender or race there is beauty in you. You will never see yourself face to face. They say that if we saw a perfect clone of ourselves we wouldn't be able to recognize it as us.
(not really happy with myself here...fake smile haha. But its my sister dad and I)
(current photo with my mom peeking through)
I doubt you stand in the mirror and watch yourself give a completely genuine smile or laugh. You can't see yourself when you are passionate about something. You can't measure the impact you have on someone when you praise them. You don't see yourself when you sleep, when you dance, when you do good deeds. You are in fact very valuable and you cannot let something so petty as your weight define who you are and were you can go.
We are so much more than our image. Our impact on the world isn't based on what we looked like. I say this. We live in a world that has stupidly defined what beauty is. So lets fight back by forcing us to look pass outer beauty. I have started doing this thing that is a bit weird for me. I usually compliment someone on their outer appearance, but now instead of saying "oh I like your make-up today" I go "I like your laugh or your confidence" or whatever I can pull that is positive and I would like to see more of in the world.
When you read a book, you have no idea what a character looks likes like exactly. You have a vague idea in your head. But you don't fall in love with a characters image, you fall in love with their personalities, their decisions and actions. I wish that we could apply that in real life. I could go on and on, but I think you the idea.
Let's just try loving ourselves and each other. Let's stop criticizing and analyzing each other. Whether or not a girl wears make- up or does her hair a certain, or works out or dresses a certain way, doesn't mean we should judge her/him. Try to look a bit deeper and find out who that person really is. There may be more than meets the eye.
If you want more of my thoughts, even though they might be all over the place follow
THIS to my short video :)
<3 Cielo
